The Beauty of Being Lonely

I explained in my previous post how your mistakes don't define you. But you know what? Loneliness doesn't define you either. In fact, it can be a real blessing if you figure out how to use it your advantage as a badass way of finding and improving yourself.

Because of a few recent events in my life, the past like four to five weeks had been pretty lonely for me. No one really knew (because I tend to prefer to suffer in silence unless it's something really major) and I was really letting it get me down more than I think I was really even aware of, until I had a breakthrough.

I started writing this post about a couple weeks ago, in the midst of my loneliness, but stopped because my thoughts weren't really coming together the way I wanted. And I tried a couple times since then, each time with no success, but I think I've finally got it.

So Saturday two weeks ago was the first day, I think ever, that no one contacted me. My son was with his dad and I was home by myself all weekend, with the exception of his peewee soccer game I went to that morning. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not the type of person that needs people like constantly hitting me up asking what or how I'm doing, but it was still something I'd happened to noticed. I have a point to telling you that, but I'll come back to it in a minute.

I also had spent a couple weeks prior to that Saturday binge watching Schitt's Creek and The Good Place (don't worry, no spoilers ahead). I'd decided to watch both of those shows solely as just distractions until I got over this hump so I wouldn't get too lost in my thoughts, as I tend to do A LOT, but it turns out they both had a totally different impact on me than what I anticipated when I originally sought them out. They may not have this type of impact on everyone, but because of the mental state I was in, both shows were an unexpected combination of both inspiring and oddly motivating. And I was surprised to get the same feeling from both shows because, if you've seen them both, you know that they obviously are vastly different concepts.

Schitt's Creek made me want to find myself and The Good Place made me want to better myself. And they inadvertently taught me that it's ok to do both, even if I'm doing it alone and even it's just for me.

Now I will say, Covid has a lot to do with literally everyone feeling a bit more lonely lately, myself included, so that has been a definite contributing factor to said loneliness, but thanks to those shows, I decided to finally let all the loneliness motivate me instead of continuing the moping around, feeling sorry for myself and wishing things were different bullshit mindset to which I'd been growing accustomed.

So with a little practice and a lot of determination, I've learned over these past few weeks that, while loneliness is a super uncomfortable thing to have to experience, what it really does is force you to become more comfortable in your own skin. And most of the time you get even more uncomfortable before you start feeling actual comfort - which is totally normal and to be expected. Loneliness, over time, actually helps you gain the confidence to do things for yourself, without anyone's approval or criticism apart from your own. Being able to constructively criticize yourself while also continuing to view yourself in a positive manner and remain motivated is like next-level strength. It's actually really hard to do and I commend the people that have already mastered this. Messing things up and doing things wrong when there is no one there to lift you up other than yourself is a sure way to get down on yourself and feel like you can't do anything right. And it's insanely challenging to sit back and be like wow I fucked that up but hey you know what let's try again because I know I can do this. It's very challenging, but it's far from impossible.

You just have to want it. It's really that simple. You have to WANT to do good for yourself and WANT to better yourself without the approval of others. If you're used to having someone to go to for every single thing, then I'm not going to lie, it will be extra challenging (and I'm speaking from experience). But you will learn so much about yourself through the process and so much about your inner strength.

And trust me there will be both good and bad days throughout this process.

The bad days can be really hard and can make you feel like giving up or even send you into a momentary depression if you let a situation or failed attempt weigh on you to that extent. There will be days where you'll want to lay in bed all day crying or scream into a pillow or aimlessly drive around because it makes you feel like you're escaping your problems or sit on the couch doing absolutely nothing because you feel like you've exhausted all your efforts - and all of that is okay. I have done literally EVERY single one of those things and then some and I've done them all more than once.

Have your bad day and cry your face off and feel it all the way to your core, but then release it and keep going.

Keep going because the good days far outweigh any bad day. Self-motivation is a powerful thing, especially when it's paired with wanting to improve yourself. If you thought it was awesome to get approval from others, just wait until you get approval from yourself. And I don't mean just being happy because you accomplished a task from your to-do list. I mean true approval of who you are as a person and approval of the life you're leading and approval that you can and will do better for yourself. Approving yourself to have the mindset that no one can stop you but yourself.

This is the realization I had while I spent so much time being extra lonely. It forced me to think, which is something I sometimes really hate doing. No one with anxiety really enjoys just sitting around thinking. And I was so down on myself for a while, but then it's like I woke up and decided I didn't want to be like this any longer and I decided to make fucking moves. And I wanted to make moves for me, regardless of who noticed or who I would tell or who I could talk to or any of that. I'm making moves for me.

That Saturday that no one contacted me was the day I had that realization. I'd been lonely and kind of sad for weeks, though no one really knew except me (again, suffer in silence - it's a curse and a blessing). And that day was when I realized how much I'd been relying on doing things because I was excited to tell someone else about it or post to social media about it, not just because I was excited to do something for myself, even if no one knew about it.

So what did I do for myself that night? I got my ass off the couch and threw my hair in a messy bun and myself made a bomb ass steak dinner, complete with Brussel sprouts (they're delicious and you can fuck off) and garlic mashed potatoes. And for once, I didn't tell anyone about my meal. I was actually really proud of the meal because that's not normally something I would cook just for me, but I still didn't tell anyone because I decided I was doing it for myself. I didn't tell anyone, I didn't post a picture of it, and I ate all of it like a boss (though my dog was annoyed with me that I ate it all). Having that self-approval was a really awesome and totally new feeling, even if it was just over a meal I made. You have to start somewhere, and that was my start.

And as a bigger example, one of the things I'm doing is going back to school this fall (classes actually start next Monday, eeek!) to get my bachelors degree. I got my associates degree years ago and never really thought I'd go back to school for anything. My mindset was mostly meh I have a good job and a relatively stable life so why give myself the extra work? But fast forward a decade and throw a pandemic in the mix, and it felt like now would be a good time to take some classes again. Full disclosure, my reason for going back to school was mostly just to be a distraction when I first decided to apply. But after this realization, now I'm genuinely excited about accomplishing this and getting my bachelors degree. Like for real I can't wait for classes to start - which, if you knew me during my college days, you'd know that was something I never said. And I'm excited to take these classes for me. I didn't even tell anyone I'd applied until a week later when I got accepted, because I was doing it for me. And while I was excited to share the news with others when I got accepted, I was the most excited for myself. I wouldn't have given two shits if no one else was happy about it, I did for me and it makes me happy, and I'm really proud of myself, and that's what matters. A bonus is that my son thinks it's really cool that we'll be going to school at the same time!

And all of this has made me actually really excited to spend some time myself, which is something I wouldn't have felt a month ago. I feel like it's a fresh start and like I want to learn myself all over again. There are some things now that I don't even care to share with people because I don't feel the need to anymore. It's actually very empowering when you are the only one you really need to impress and makes you feel almost limitless in a really positive way.

Be excited for YOU. And I'm not saying stop telling people about good things that happen to you or that you accomplish, but like take a moment to be proud of yourself first. Give yourself an applause. Make a drink and cheers with yourself, to yourself. Soak up that feeling of I FUCKING DID IT and feel it to your core and let it fill you with so much joy because YOU did it and because YOU deserve it.

If you're reading this and you've been feeling lonely, don't give up. Yes, feeling genuinely alone totally sucks, and having to find yourself can honestly be scary as fuck. But take that first step and don't look back. I know you can do this. Start small and no matter what, just keep going. If the universe is making you be alone right now, there's a reason for it. Got with it. If you're comfortable being alone then you will never truly be lonely - remember that.

Now, get your badass lonely self out there and make some shit happen for YOU!

Cheers!

- The Whiskey Mom