Just Me, Some Macaroni, and Some Whiskey

WOW, has it really been over a year since I wrote my last blog post?! I don’t realize how much more active I am on my social media accounts until I go back on here to write an actual post. And it doesn’t help when I take a hiatus from social media. Anyway, hello all!

Also, I’m having some whiskey while writing this post (the macaroni unfortunately isn't pictured) . And normally I would justify that but I’m trying to stop justifying everything I do with my life. So I’m currently on my front steps adding to my book (yes, I’m writing a book) and I just felt compelled to also write a semi-boozy, semi-feelings post. But it’s good vibes, bear with me.

My son had basketball practice tonight and I volunteered to help out as an assistant coach for the second summer in a row, which is really fun for me because basketball was my sport growing up. He was coming back to me after practice today, and I had already thought about what we would get for dinner and wondered if he'd try and ask for a sleepover in mom's bed, as he often does when we have no early plans the next day. Well, I forgot that I agreed a couple months ago to let my ex have our son for a few extra Fridays that he had off work this summer that were my custodial days. And this is totally fine. We share custody and my son loves his dad, and that’s how it should be. His relationship with his dad shouldn’t have anything to do with whether or not my ex and I get along, and I am genuinely grateful to be in a coparenting situation where my son loves his other parent because I know not everyone has that luxury.

Anywho. What I was not expecting, as they both walked away from me towards his dad's car after practice, was the wave of sadness as I got back into my own car. I was overcome with feelings that my son was okay with spending less time with me, and admittedly I cried for a minute in my car after all the parents left and I allowed myself to be sort of in my feelings. My son has been with his dad the past two nights so I was really looking forward to him being here tonight and starting our weekend. And to be clear, my son also loves spending time with me and we have a lot of fun together. There are times when he wants to stay longer at my house also. But even still, I know for a fact that just about any other single parent would be able to relate to their kid(s) wanting to spend extra time with their other parent. It's a curse and a blessing, and sometimes prompts unexpected tears, especially when you were looking forward to time with them and it unexpectedly leaves you all alone.

Anyway, I eventually drove home, feeling all down because my plans had gotten ruined (I’m also trying to be better about having constant expectations, good or bad, for how things could/should go), and wishing I had my journal with me to document my every thought and emotion. But I didn’t have my journal, because why would I need to bring that to basketball practice? I honestly just wanted to snap out of my feelings and look at it as a free night, but no matter what I did, I was having trouble accomplishing that.

I stopped and got gas on my way home and thought hard about what I might do with my spur-of-the-moment free night. It was just after 8pm so it was too late to call anyone to go out to dinner or drinks, plus it’s a Thursday and most people in their 30’s and 40’s aren’t available on random weeknights. But it was also too early for me to go to bed because I'm very much a night owl. I also debated working out, but yeah, that was a no.

Then, while I drove away from the gas station, I managed to sort of snap myself out of it and decided I would not let this ruin my night because that would be utterly fucking ridiculous, and I decided I would have a really fun night with just myself and some of my favorite things. Getting bogged down by my own irrational feelings and sulking all night was simply not going to be an option this evening. Because girl, we are above that!

By the time I got home, I was in a fantastic mood. I mean, HELLO I have a surprise free night to myself! I should enjoy it! I am ALLOWED to enjoy it!

So here I sit, on my front porch with an old fashioned (duh), some leftover (and absolutely fucking DECADENT) thick-n-creamy Kraft mac and cheese, and my laptop. I’m adding to my book because the words are flowing, and when I finished up a chapter I decided I wanted to blog about this night. My knees are nice and warm (if you know, you know), and I think this free evening was something I really needed. I need to do more things that aren’t planned and have fun with them. Not everything has to be scheduled, and I’m learning to embrace that. Sometimes there are lapses and mishaps in plans, and I need to be able to roll with that and make the best of it.

It's now midnight, the crickets and toads are chirping, the lightning bugs and June bugs are out in full force, and the moon is full and bright and playing hide-and-seek behind the trees. It is absolutely beautiful out (shoutout to this delightful little mosquito-repelling device), and I am letting myself enjoy it. I miss my son and his company, but I am also allowed to enjoy my alone time. I feel like it happens so often that we don’t give ourselves permission to enjoy being alone. Or maybe that’s just me?

Either way, next time you have a random night where you happen to find yourself alone, please give yourself the permission to enjoy it. You are ALLOWED to enjoy it. Think about things that bring you happiness, whether it’s a hobby or a show or working out, or just sitting on your front porch listening to the sounds of summer! Whatever it might be, let yourself do it and let yourself embrace it. You are strengthening the relationship you have with YOU, and that is such a gift.

Also, maybe have some whiskey and boxed macaroni because it’s a fucking epic combo.

Thanks for reading. I love you guys. Now go and do what makes you happy!

Cheers!

-The Whiskey Mom