As you all know, I normally try to write about positivity and lifting yourself up when you're down. I'm also messing up my strategic pattern of alternating between color photos and black and white photos (which is totally killing my OCD btw). But I kinda had this very humbling realization tonight about Christmas as a single parent and I just kinda want to just express my feels at the moment.
I was finishing up wrapping presents tonight and thinking about how I'm going to arrange them under the tree. I still have a few more things to buy for other people in my family but I'm finished with my son's gifts for the most part, so I was just sort of arranging things in my head (like the type A Virgo that I am) and imagining him being all excited opening them up on Christmas morning.
Last year he was with his father on Christmas morning, then I got him back halfway through the day and we went to my mom's like we do every year. So this year I've been really looking forward to Christmas morning and seeing my toddler's face light up when he sees gifts from Santa under the tree. I've pictured him finding his name on the sticker tags, opening each gift and wondering which one he'll like the most. And then it hit me - I won't actually have any gifts under the tree this year unless I put them there myself. This didn't bother me last year because my son wasn't with me and I knew we'd go to my mom's later for presents, and obviously I'm not expecting any gifts to magically appear from Santa so I just didn't think anything of it. I slept in and took my time waking up, treating it like any other day. Not waking up to any presents under my tree just wasn't really much of an afterthought.
This year it's a lot different. Also let me just be clear and say that I'm not at all the type to care about lots of "stuff" and getting a shit ton of gifts on Christmas, but I have to admit that changes a little when you have a toddler who is very much into the magic of the holiday. It becomes sort of magical for you all over again when you witness the magic first hand in the eyes of your child. We do Elf on the Shelf and we've talked about Santa and how he should be a good boy because Santa is watching and all that. Not to mention we're going to take a moment and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus! 🙌 He's all about it, and it's amazing because Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. So realizing that I would have no gifts from Santa - or from anyone else - to open along with him hit me kind of hard. I'm already feeling sort of alone this year for my own reasons, which maybe is part of why this is bothering me so much, but still I was like damn yo this kinda is depressing.
And with that it also occurred to me that my son will absolutely ask why I don't have any presents from Santa. He really is a sweetheart, but also super sharp and very observant for his age, and he'll definitely wonder what happened and be sad when he sees mommy didn't get anything from Santa. So I stood at my counter for a minute like damn I'm going to have to find some of my own shit to wrap and put under the tree for myself and fill my own stocking just so my son isn't disappointed. And yes I know seeing his face light up will probably make it all worth it and it may not bother me as much while we're sitting there opening gifts, but that doesn't change how I feel right now, ya know?
Then my perspective broadened and I realized further that there must be loads of single parents that have already been doing this for years. And I wondered if each of them had this same reality hit them out of nowhere like it just did for me. Coming from a family who always made sure that everyone had a stocking and gifts to open on Christmas morning, it hit me harder than I would have expected and definitely adds to the loneliness that's sort of weighing on me at the moment.
On the contrary though, this also has really humbled me and made me appreciate that I even have the means to give my child (and myself) presents to open on Christmas. For many parents, wrapping things they already own is the norm whether they are single or not, simply because everything they have goes to their children. I hope you know that I respect the hell out of you and will forever hold a place in my heart for you thanks to this experience. You all are real heroes of Christmas and your children will never forget what you do for them. I can't imagine it's a fun feeling when you see other families giving and getting every single thing on their lengthy lists. It makes me lightly wonder if it's similar at all to how I feel when I see happily married couples with their families, clearly in love with each other and raising their children together under the same roof - something that at the moment I can only hope to know one day.
This whole concept might sound dumb to some people, but it's a big deal to others. And for me it's something new that I will just have to get used to on the years that my son is with me instead of his dad on Christmas morning. At least I will be more mentally prepared for it after this year!
If you are among the fortunate families who not only got your marriage right the first time but are also able to give your whole family a very comfortable holiday and overall lifestyle, please know how very lucky you are - it really is such a blessing.
Anyway thanks for reading. If you're having holiday feels similar to this, please know you are far from alone! It's hard right now but at the end of the day I'm sure I will be glad this happened; gives some perspective and I know things could be much worse. We all need a small slice of humble pie from time to time. Keeps us grounded and does a mind some good!
Cheers,
- The Whiskey Mom
Comments