I have a relationship with my son that I wouldn’t change or trade for the world. It’s a unique relationship that I know I owe solely to being a single mom. Yes we’re strong and yes we handle our day to day like a boss, but here’s a peek into some raw and real feelings of single motherhood that no one really talks about.
I want to be completely transparent with this post and let other moms who may feel this way know that they’re not alone and that honestly, it’s ok to feel like shit sometimes. Just don’t forget to pick yourself back up.
This is a longer post, but I’m in my feels a little tonight about being a single mom. When there are so many families in my neighborhood and on social media appearing to have gotten it right the first time around, it’s hard to not think of what that must be like and how lucky they are. I catch myself, more often than I probably realize, feeling almost sorry for myself that my marriage failed and that I’m not giving my son what so many other families are giving to their children - his parents under the same roof.
I was sitting at the edge of my son’s bed last night, a little envious of his deep slumber and how easily he seems to fall asleep each night. We had such a fun day yesterday and did some really cute mother/son date day stuff ranging from clay painting to chips and queso to new Legos. He’s a champ during busy days, just happy to be along for the ride and always super appreciative of anything that makes him smile.
I took a few pictures of our outing and, as always, posted the best ones to social media. That’s what happens when your mom is a also photographer, lol, we take ALL the pictures. But if I didn’t then who would, right? Anyway, as I scrolled through the feeds, stalling making my way out of his cozy room, I saw a few posts from a couple families doing perfectly normal, happy family things that married parents do with their kids. Some of them were on vacation, some of them were out to eat, and some even were just playfully complaining about their spouses. And every time I see these posts I’m like damn, what that must be like, they have no idea how good they have it.
It can really hit hard out of nowhere. And sometimes it honestly kinda makes you feel like shit about yourself. Not about your parenting skills or whether or not your child is happy when they’re with you, but rather just why that couldn’t have been you and why that wasn’t in your cards. Why you were selected for the journey of being a single parent and why your first try at a happy family was a chapter not included in your story. And then what happens when you get curious about their post? You click further and look at their full pages rather than just seeing the individual post and feel even worse. And yes I know every family has their problems and people post their absolute best to social media, but knowing that doesn’t fully erase the pang of envy.
And I’m not even really sure that “envy” is the right word. Sometimes I’m not entirely sure how to describe the feeling. I mean envy is wrapped up in there for sure, especially when you know that family actually is genuinely happy and the posts aren’t just for show, but that’s not entirely what it’s composed of. It’s a difficult feeling to pinpoint most of the time. Like is it guilt? Is it sadness? Is it shame? Is it frustration? Maybe it’s a little emptiness? It’s definitely not a good feeling, I can tell you that much. I’m usually pretty good at figuring out my feelings but this one is tough to really hone in on.
And there’s the loneliness when your kid is with their dad, even if their dad is a great dad. Sometimes it’s a loneliness that’s totally amazing where you can sit back with a drink and enjoy some quiet time, or even finish a hot meal before it gets cold. Other times it’s a loneliness that provides the chance to get caught up on household chores which also can be rather wonderful. But then sometimes there’s the loneliness that’s exactly that - lonely. It’s a loneliness that just guts you and leaves you with an emptiness at your core that nothing can fix but your child being in your arms. You long for their snuggles and their giggles and their warmth, and you find yourself trying to find things to do to keep yourself busy until they’re with you again. I’ve been lonely enough before that I’d contemplated asking his dad if I can have him back early, but I never do because I know he loves their time together also. That type of loneliness is one of the worst parts of being a single mom I think - at least in my opinion. Sometimes not having your kid around is so relaxing, but other times it just really fucking sucks.
It’s even harder when you’re constantly surrounded by married families in your area and at your kid’s school. My neighborhood is packed to the brim with families and my son is the only one in his class with divorced parents, and that shit sucks sometimes. It doesn’t make you proud when your last name is different than your child’s last name. I don’t regret going back to my maiden name but that doesn’t make the reality of having different last names any easier. They asked for a family photo earlier in the year for class, and while the other kids brought one picture with mom and dad in the same photo, my son brought two pictures; one with himself and dad and the other with himself and mom. And when my son plays outside with the neighborhood kids, a lot of the times the parents are also out, and I’m the only one out that doesn’t have a spouse. It’s actually really awkward most of the time, though I’m sure it’s probably only awkward for me and I’m sure I can blame a lot of that on my anxiety. Like my neighbors are super cool but still, it makes me uncomfortable sometimes and just reminds me of what I don’t have. The other moms are “Mrs.” this and “Mrs.” that and I’m over here being addressed as “Miss” by all the kids. Each time it’s a reminder that I’m the single one of the pack.
It’s also really hard to not feel judged by other families where mom and dad are still married. I’m sure some wonder what happened and why it didn’t work. And I look young for my age so it’s a lock there are other moms viewing me like I’m too young to understand that marriage takes work and that it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, etc. And for the record, yes I know that. I’m not an idiot. And also for the record, divorce is certainly NOT the easy way out. Sometimes I feel like it would have been easier to just stay married and unhappy, but I know that would have just created an unhealthy environment for my son so I dismiss that thought pretty much as soon as it enters my mind.
I think ironically one of the hardest parts is knowing how much my son loves both me and his dad. It’s a real blessing that he loves us both, trust me I know and I’m very grateful and I heavily encourage the love on both sides. But he told me just the other morning that he had a dream that mommy and daddy lived in the same house and I think part of me died a little when I heard him say that. He wasn’t crying or anything but still I was like ugh I know it would make him so happy to have his two most favorite people under one roof all the time. And it pains me on my deepest levels that I can’t give him that.
I know I’ve written before about being a single mom and that every single parent has been through a lot, but that post was more so about the journey in becoming a single parent and how no one really has a life goal of doing this on their own. This post is about the rawness and realness and even pain of what it’s actually like being a single mom. Especially when 98% of the other moms you’re around are still happily on their first marriage. Being a single dad probably is similar to this but obviously I’m not a single dad so I can’t speak to these depths for that part of the population.
I do want to say this, though. While being a single mom sometimes really throws your emotions through several shit storms of a ringer, it also gives you one of THE most rewarding bonds you can have with your child. My son has seen every single emotion come out of me whether it’s laughing so hard I can’t breath or on my hands and knees sobbing into the floor. And every time, he is there front and center giving me all of his love and support, whether it’s joining me in that laughter until we’re both red in the face or holding me while I cry telling me that everything will be okay - and he really will hold me and say that. We literally do everything together when he is with me and I get to be selfish about every moment; his smiles are mine, his laughs are mine, in return his tantrums are also mine, the hugs are mine, the snuggles are mine, and when he gets a boo boo and needs kisses I get to be his knight in shining armor. On the days he is with me, it’s me and him against the world and I am his #1.
At the end of each day though, even during my hardest times, I’m so thankful that I was chosen to be a single mom, because it’s given me a relationship with my son that I don’t think I’d have otherwise. It’s not better or worse than if I were still married; it’s just different. Something only other single moms with boys would understand.
So here’s to all the single moms/parents who really feel me hard on this. The shit is not easy by any stretch, but it makes us so strong and so brave and it makes every rewarding moment that much more worth it. We have a whole other capacity of mental, physical, and emotional strength and that is something to wear proudly. Let it empower you and never ever forget how amazing you are. Seriously, there’s not much a single mom can’t do while balancing a kid on her hip! Keep kicking ass and giving it your all because your kids see it and they will respect you and love you so hard for it.
Never give up, ladies. We got this!
Cheers,
-The Whiskey Mom
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