We get it. You have more kids than we do. But what you don’t get is we don’t have help. You do.
One of the most infuriating things that I hear when I comment or complain about being tired or something regarding parenthood is “try having [insert any number larger than one].” And every single time it’s been said to me, it’s been said by another parent who is married.
While my initial thought to this comment is usually “try not having a spouse,” or if I’m really in a mood then it’s often “go fuck yourself,” thankfully I do have some level of filter and I keep that those reactions between me and me. And yes, I fully understand that maybe you’re trying to give perspective that it could be worse, but something married parents fail to realize is this COMPLETELY invalidates the single parent that is also exhausted. It’s a different type of exhausted that you don’t understand unless you’ve been a single parent.
Yes, I currently only have one child. And yes, I realize that’s far less chaotic than having more than one child. But what’s commonly overlooked is that when your child has no brothers or sisters, you are the play mate. There’s no sibling for them to play with and no significant other to lean on or pass the kid off to when you have a migraine or had a long day or got no sleep the night before or just need a good cry or a mental break. There’s literally no one else there to occupy your child except you and that is a whole other level of mentally draining. Sometimes people even give me a hard time because I won’t have a couple drinks at a group hangout when all the other parents are having a drink. I’m in my head like hey married parents, you have help if you’re drunk or hungover and I don’t so sue me if I’m gonna sit this one out and you can catch me for a couple drinks when my kid is with his dad.
Speaking of being with his dad, there’s also a chance that we are dealing with an ex behind the scenes that we don’t vent to you about. Single parents are often silent sufferers. Whether we get along with our ex or not, they’re our ex for a reason, so there’s a reeeaaally solid probability that having to talk with them in general is not our favorite pastime. And communicating with your ex is exhausting in itself, regardless of the terms you’re on, because you have to coordinate plans and make sure you’re on the same page about things and communicate information about doctor visits and school and sports or if something happened or what the fuck it means to “throw hot dogs at stretchy man” and the list continues. So combine that with all the other mental stuff we deal with in general while being a single parent and toss in being the sole play mate and the sole the grocery shopper and the sole house cleaner and the sole dinner provider and the sole chauffeur, not to mention if we work and/or go to school.
It is us and only us. We are our own support system, our own backbone, while being the mom and dad and siblings of our household.
So please, do not make a comment comparing how many kids you have in your house when you have help from your significant other and siblings while I do my best day in and day out having zero help with just my one child. “Just one kid” is still fucking exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, it’s also amazing because we also get all the glory and snuggles and attention from our little one, but as married parents, you cannot possibly understand what we go through and we would really appreciate you not pretending like you do. Understanding parenthood is not understanding what it’s like to be a single parent. Do yourself and single parents everywhere a really huge favor and rather than saying “try having x-y-z” maybe show some support or some validation instead like “you’re doing a great job,” because I promise that’s something we can never hear enough. Maybe you mean well, but I’m telling you it unfortunately doesn’t matter if you have good intentions on this one, because those comments are not coming off as encouraging; they’re only coming off as our job isn’t as hard as yours.
And a quick note to my fellow single parents, no matter how many kids you have, I know it’s hard but KEEP KICKING ASS because you are strong as steel and tough as nails and your efforts are not going unnoticed. I see you and I am you and YOU👏🏼ARE👏🏼AMAZING👏🏼!
Cheers!
- The Whiskey Mom
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