Disclaimer: prescription drugs should always be taken responsibly, and only under the direction of a licensed physician. If you or someone you know is suffering from a pill addiction, please call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357.
I like to think that I usually have a good handle on my anxiety, but the other night it got the best of me, and I had to remind myself that sometimes that’s ok.
It was almost 3am and I was laying in bed about an hour deep into a Xanax because I just couldn’t deal. I generally dread bedtime as it is, no matter how tired I am, because that’s when my anxiety really peaks. And majority of the time I try and power through it, mostly because I’m prideful but also because I’m too paranoid about becoming addicted to a prescription drug of any kind.
I’m a hypochondriac in its truest form; even the slightest random ache or pain sends my mind into a whirlwind and I’m constantly messaging my doctor about stuff. The internet has become my nightly nemesis and I have to actively stay away from it sometimes - especially WebMD. In the past 18 months I’ve had two MRI’s, a CT scan with contrast, two ultrasounds on my neck, three appointments with ENT, two blood pressure checks, a throat scope, a chest x-ray, two eye exams, two dermatologist exams, a couple blood tests, and I don’t even know how many virtual and phone appointments with my doctor. Seriously, God bless her patience because I know I couldn’t deal with me! Each test result came back normal (thankfully) and it always reminds me just how intense my anxiety can get.
Sometimes I feel like I should be on a daily med and other times I feel the complete opposite like I can take on the world and will go a week or two (or longer) without taking a Xanax. But when I do have to take a Xanax, I have to remind myself that it doesn’t mean I’m weak or any less of a person. The mind is a powerful thing and mental illnesses are very real, and sometimes we just need help managing it.
And that is completely okay.
When I catch myself feeling ashamed that I have to sometimes take a pill to feel “normal,” I quickly dismiss the thought and replace it with a reminder that it actually takes a lot of strength to go through life having an anxiety disorder. Like a LOT of strength. A strength you only truly understand if you also deal with constantly trying to keep a mental illness at bay. We are silent sufferers, and there is a reason they say the strongest people suffer in silence, even the strongest people need help sometimes.
Needing a pill for your mental illness to keep you sane so you can just get some sleep or make it through the day without having a panic attack doesn’t make you any less strong or any less of a person. One of my favorite quotes is “God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers,” so trust me when I say you are strong as fuck, with or without a medication. And I want you to never forget that.
Cheers!
- The Whiskey Mom
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