Sometimes thoughts like this just randomly make their way into my brain and I feel compelled to write about them and share a little more of my story.
"You have anxiety?? I would have never guessed, you always seem so chill."
Oh if I had a dollar for every time someone said this to me! I suppose I should take it as a compliment, that means I disguise it well. I'm not really sure how I disguise it so well, but I'll take it. The reality though is that I'm actually very fucked up. Think I might be exaggerating? Keep reading.
I've written before about my anxiety, so if you've read that blog entry, it's nothing new to you. If you haven't, I recommend you go back and check it out. But having anxiety causes a whole other mess of issues within you. I'm one of those people that's like hyper in tune with their body. Mix that with having anxiety and I constantly am worried that I have a disease of some sort. Every time something hurts or feels weird, I'm overly paranoid that it will end up being cancer. WebMD plus anxiety equals BAD thoughts. My most recent message to my doctor literally started with "hello again" because I'm always trying to find out if something is normal. A positive twist on that is at least I'm getting good use out of my health insurance.
My stress level was so bad through my divorce that when everything was over, I basically made my doctor send me through every possible test to make sure I didn't have MS. It seemed like I had several symptoms and I was F R E A K I N G out about it. I'd lay in bed and cry worried about how it would effect my life and my time with my son. All of that and I hadn't even had a checkup yet; my thoughts just had me totally convinced and completely out of my mind. I requested blood tests and even had an MRI. Turns out stress can have many of the same effects as MS, which is terrifying.
Then I got paranoid about a mole on my back, which a dermatologist said was totally normal and he had zero concern, though I still worry about it because my mom's cousin died years ago from melanoma.
Last spring I had a random vertigo spell. I went to urgent care and was then diagnosed with positional vertigo, which I still occasionally deal with. If you're not sure what that is, Google it, but it's basically experiencing like a random warp of the world around you. It only lasts for a second and used to really freak me out until I learned what it is. Now it's just more of an annoyance and inconvenience rather than something that scares me. Still not exactly a fun time but I'm at least used to it now.
About a year ago I felt a small lump in my armpit and lost my mind thinking I had lymphoma. Turns out it was a lymph node but it was normal - was most likely there for my entire life and I'd only just noticed it.
Recently I started seeing a random sort of glimmer like out of the left peripheral of my left eye. Totally random and only for a second when it happens. I thought it was because of a tumor. Ophthalmologist said that definitely wasn't the case, and that nothing was abnormal and a lot of people see random "flashes of light" as she described it, and many times there's no real explanation as to why or what causes it.
A couple months ago, a coworker of mine passed away from throat cancer. She was only 33 and had two young boys. It was barely six months from when she was diagnosed to when she lost her battle. This is in the top five of every parent's worst nightmares. And now I feel like I've been having dull pains in my throat and I'm so worked up over the possibility of throat cancer happening that I have a doctor appointment tomorrow (that's what my "hello again" email was about), asking for an ultrasound and possibly more blood tests to rule everything out.
Not to mention I have a constant fear of things like the end of the world and all that. Having a "constant sense of impending doom" is like textbook anxiety disorder.
And would you believe that I get anxiety about getting anxiety?! That's a real thing and it happens to me.
Sometimes I have days where my anxiety haunts me from when I wake up until the time I fall asleep. The only way to avoid it is to stay busy and distract myself with anything that makes me happy and creates positive energy. If I'm having a conversation with someone, and they say something to me that sounds like it would jinx something else, you better believe I'm finding a piece of wood to knock on before my mind will allow me to think of anything else. This falls in direct line with my OCD, and the need to do things in a certain order otherwise I think something bad will happen. I brush my teeth a certain way. I put my son to bed a certain way. I walk my dog a certain way. And if one of my routines gets messed up I'm all like oh shit what will happen because of this.
All of this. Every single day. But somehow I'm "so chill" on the outside. Again, I'll take it as a compliment. But it kills me when people seem surprised that something is wrong with me. Like seeming "chill" means nothing negative could possibly be going on with you.
Mental health issues like anxiety and depression and OCD usually are effecting the people that seem perfectly "normal" in the eyes of others. Just because I seem "chill" doesn't mean I don't have shit going on. And then people want to be surprised when I reveal how much is actually effecting me.
As you drive past people on the road or walk past people on the street, keep in mind that everyone is going through something. And just because something may not be a big deal to you, doesn't mean it's not a big deal to the person going through it. Trust me, I know that what I'm dealing with could be FAR worse. I have read way more intense and heart-wrenching stories and personally know people who are going through a much harder time than I am. But this is what I currently know and what I am currently experiencing, just like everyone else. We all have our own issues and our own stories, and each deserves respect.
Sometimes the most quiet people are trying to weather the biggest storms. Be encouraging. Be supportive. Be compassionate. Give others the benefit of the doubt. And above all else, be kind.
Cheers,
- The Whiskey Mom
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