This quote gets thrown in people's face when they are potentially exploring the very real possibility of divorce, and frankly, it pisses me off.
I've said it before and I'll say it again; divorce sucks and I'm not a fan of it. But sometimes, it is the best thing for everyone involved, even if not everyone realizes it at the time.
It's a vow as old as time, and the meaning holds deep value with so many, as it should. Your spouse is your teammate and your best friend, and these words mean you are to weather every storm and enjoy every rainbow together as a unit, no matter what comes at you or how often it takes part in your life. When you utter the words "for better or for worse," you are making that promise to always stand by your spouse's side, as their teammate and best friend, forever.
But wait, let me ruin that image of glowing marriage purity and perfection for you real quick.
Suppose you get however long down the road in your marriage, whether it be one year or thirty-one years, and your spouse that you so gloriously shared those vows with has started to become damaging to both your emotional, physical, and/or mental health. You tell yourself it's just a phase and that you know this person would never treat you like this so something must be wrong, and whatever it is, you know them and you're sure is just temporary. Keeping "for better or for worse" in the back of your mind, you know you can weather this storm. But as time continues, their actions get more intense or more frequent. What happened only a few times is occurring more often, and you feel yourself starting to crumble under the weight of their wrath. Yet still, you tell yourself "for better or for worse" and convince yourself that this just happens sometimes and you will get through it as a team.
You wonder idly if you can continue doing this, but quickly dismiss the thought. Of course you can! Surely dealing with this would be better than the stigma of getting divorced; what would your family and friends think if your marriage failed? Would they judge you or be supportive? You can't let people think you're weak, right? What if you already have kids together? How would they react? Is it worse for them to witness the toxicity forever or to witness the temporary process of divorce?
Things continue to negatively progress, but your spouse doesn't see any issues with your marriage except your attitude and reaction to things lately, so getting couples therapy is off the table. You now feel like your entire household is suffering from this weight; not just you. And while you're reluctant to admit this to yourself, you know it to be the truth; you are no longer a team and you're fighting this battle on your own. Now what? Do you tough this out even though there is no hope that they will come around, just because you're married? Is this still the "worse" that your vows referred to?
Let me answer that one for you. Absolutely fucking not.
Listen, y'all. There is a really big difference between what's considered "worse" and what's considered some toxic shit that you need to get out of with a quickness - especially if you have kids. Staying together for the kids in a damaging relationship does nothing but damage your kids and create a ripple effect of your kids then being damaging to others because of the example they grew up with. That is a post for another day, though.
Today, I want to talk about why this situation is most definitely not the "for worse" that you need to just tough out with your spouse. When things start to become emotionally, mentally, and/or physically damaging, and your partner and supposed teammate doesn't see a problem and doesn't want to get help, I hate to say it but you're on your own, and at this point, it's time to do what's best for you. I also hate to say that not everyone will agree with or support you because they will see it as you giving up on your marriage, and you need to be prepared for that.
When I announced that I wanted a divorce and gave my reasons, the first thing my parents said to me was "but you took vows, and this is 'worse'" and told me that we needed to just work through it for the sake of the promises we made to each other on our wedding day. And I did and still do understand what they were trying to say, which was basically that marriage takes work and I shouldn't be giving up that easily. And to an extent, yes, they are completely right. However, my counter-argument was "but how far does one have to sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their marriage?" Because my marriage was past the point of give-and-take and past the point of working things out as a team, yet I still had people telling me "but that's marriage" and that's "for worse."
I'm sorry, but I whole-heartedly disagree. No one should have to stay in a marriage that puts their health at risk, no matter what level of health it is, and no one should be encouraging you to do so. "Damaging and unhealthy" are not the same thing as "for worse" and should never be treated like they are one and the same. When the problems get past the point of being able to solve them as a couple and your partner doesn't think either of you need help, that's when it is no longer "for worse" and instead is taking a turn to toxic.
You should never feel like you don't have a way out of your marriage if it reaches this point. Never stay in a toxic relationship just because you're married. Get professional help for yourself at the very least, because regardless of what you may think, you probably need it (just as I did, speaking from experience), and tell anyone that's trying to force you to stay married to fuck off. They are not you and they are not in your shoes and they are not living your life behind your closed doors. Do what's best for you and your health and safety. It may be an uphill battle but everyone else will eventually come around.
Leaving a toxic relationship will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding. Getting your life back and finding happiness again makes your journey down that beaten path so worth it. You will thank yourself later.
If you are in a situation like this, please know that you are not alone. I promise you will get through it because you are far stronger than you think.
You got this.
Cheers!
- The Whiskey Mom
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