Unless you’re on trial in a courtroom or a major part of your life depends on the truth getting out, this is solely about pride. And this is why you need to swallow it.
I’m going to turn these statements into something a little harsher than how it’s probably meant to be taken, but it’s for good reason.
First of all holy hell I can relate to this. I was DESPERATE for people to know my side of the shit show during my separation. I even highly debated installing microphones etc. around the house so people would know I wasn’t making shit up or just being dramatic. I never did, though. However, I’ll admit (and I’m not proud) that I did attempt to record a couple counseling sessions, and that backfired horrifically. Once logic overtook my frustrations I was like ok why, so you can make yourself feel better and “prove” to people that you’re right? Those aren’t good enough reasons to wire my whole damn house. I wasn’t being beaten or anything, I was just angry as fuck and I wanted support and more people on my side. In the beginning of it all, my entire family sided with my ex and I was like WHAT IN THE NATURAL FUCK IS GOING ON. But again, for what? So the father of my child can look like an asshole to everyone I know? What good would that honestly do in the long run?
I’ve read a lot of places to never put something in public that you wouldn’t want your child, or someone else’s child, or friend or relative etc. to eventually read. People don’t realize that the internet is a very permanent place. No matter how many times you apologize for something you posted online, it’s never truly gone. One thing I will never do is talk shit about my ex on the internet. I’ve texted things to best friends when I’m irritated beyond belief, and I’ve certainly said my piece to people in person (never in front of my son), but you will never find it on here because my son is obsessed with his dad, and I would be a shitty, selfish mother for ruining that. One day when my son is grown and has questions, I still won’t outright say “this is what your father did” unless I see him making the same mistakes with someone. Because him knowing any sort of ”truth” isn’t worth tarnishing that relationship.
Even outside of my marriage in other relationships, a big part of why you want someone to know your side is because it‘s a knock on your ego and your pride, which fucking sucks, and it’s even a knock on your self esteem when someone thinks negatively or incorrectly of you (this is especially true if you’ve been blessed with anxiety!). But if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that the people who truly know and care for you will believe your word from the start. There won’t be any desperate acts of trying to make them see “your side” because your word will be enough.
If you have to bend over backwards trying to make someone see what “really“ happened (and I have “really” in quotes because there are three sides to every story - yours, theirs, and the truth), then there’s a good chance they don’t want to believe it anyway, and it’s not your place to convince them otherwise. Trust and believe the truth will always find a way to surface, regardless of if it was your plan or not. You can’t force someone to want to believe your side of things, and you will exhaust yourself trying to do so. It will cause more stress and more frustration and quite honestly, much more pain than if you simply let it be.
Another reason it’s a tough pill to swallow when people don’t see your side of a situation is because part of the problem is you. Because you haven’t fully accepted and come to your own terms with what happened. Yes, I said it, and you can be mad at me all you want, but you are part of the problem. I have reached my own point of exhaustion on more than one occasion trying to get people to see my side of things, simply because I still couldn’t believe and didn’t want to accept it had happened to me.
When other people are like HOLY SHIT NO WAY right along with you, yeah it makes you feel good, but why though? Because they’re in disbelief and pissed at the other person right along with you? So you can all talk shit together? That’s a dangerous frame of mind to be in, because that also can start to manifest and take over and easily become a tiny, drama-filled hate group, or worse. This is how bullying can easily begin. Adults can be bullied too, I would know because I’ve been there. And what good does all that drama do? It doesn’t help you move forward, it doesn’t help anyone in the situation properly heal, and it doesn’t allow the third and most important side, the truth, to ever actually surface. Sometimes “your side” includes the fact that you were an asshole at one point and you’re trying to keep it covered because you don’t want the person you’re pissed at to have any of ”your” sympathy. And I’m here to let you know that if that’s the case then it’s a fucked up way to be and you’re being a bully and you need a healthy dose of your own soul searching.
It’s important to talk about your frustrations, yes. I’m in no way saying don’t vent to your best friends when you’re pissed or hurt or frustrated. Keeping shit bottled to yourself and never giving yourself a voice only adds fuel to the fire, and instead of just burning one necessary bridge you wind up burning a whole village.
Definitely talk things out with people and don’t be afraid to air your frustrations. And accept constructive criticism during your talks as well. If someone says hey you’re kinda fucking up too, then you need to swallow that pride, take a step back and listen, then make some adjustments. Getting things off your chest is healthy, just don’t find yourself becoming so desperate to make people believe your side that you become consumed by it. The people who want to believe you will believe you. Everyone else will come around on their own terms, and when they do, be grateful they’re doing so, dont hold a grudge and be mad about how long it took them. And if someone never comes around, then you may need to step back and realize that it may be time to let that person go.
It royally sucks when people don’t see your side of things. But not everyone will and you need to accept that. It is seriously not worth the stress in the long run. Along with accepting within yourself that what happened happened and eventually things will move forward. Nothing will move forward until you do. Remember that.
Cheers,
- The Whiskey Mom
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