I follow an Instagram account called "fuckology" and I really love some of their stuff. This one in particular hit home for me in a big way. I started doing what was best for me, and not everyone was happy about it.
So for this post, I want to be clear that there is a very fine line between trying to do what's best for yourself and just being selfish. Though you might be referred to as "selfish" numerous times during these transitions in your life, understand that when you're really trying to better yourself, selfish is the exact opposite of what you are.
I'll start with my divorce. I know I sort of touched on it with my previous post, but I'm covering an entirely different aspect of it here. Like I said before, the divorce was my decision. I spent a couple years debating if it was the right move. And that decision got even harder when a baby came into the picture, because I knew I wasn't going to just split up a couple; I was going to split up a family. When I finally knew it had to be done though, I was shitting my pants because I knew that some people, particularly our families, were going to be SO pissed. And I wasn't entirely sure what to expect once I announced my decision, I just knew that since we'd been together for a decade, it wasn't going to be good.
But I announced anyway, and it was even worse than what I was expecting. A hundred times worse. One of the many reason in my previous post that I stated I am not encouraging divorce. It was fucking awful, but I knew deep down that I would never be okay if I didn't. I had really lost myself in that relationship.
And I want to give this it's own line, because I can now say with confidence that one of the worst things you can do is lose yourself for someone else.
Over time I became aware how much daily effort I was putting into being something and someone that I knew I just wasn't. I realized that staying married would do nothing but dig myself deeper and deeper into a dark abyss of a "beautiful family" façade, when I knew at the pit of my core that it was turning into nothing but artificiality and forced feelings. And I was honestly losing my mind over having to constantly portray this image of who everyone thought I was. It was exhausting and, frankly, kinda fucking miserable. So I made the call and we went through separation and then got divorced. There was anger and sadness and hurt and tears and utter brokenness from everyone in both our families. Yet I still felt the need to continue, even though at some points I felt a sense of loneliness I hope to never have to face again.
Fast forward a little over a year, and things have significantly mellowed out. My family understands my reasons for the decision, and they actually ended up supporting me on it. We feel like a family again and we're getting used to new routines. It has been an overwhelming relief.
Another thing I did, against the will of my mom and stepdad and a handful of my friends, was move 40 minutes away from where I'd always lived. We had lived right in front of my mom and stepdad, and I knew they loved having their daughter and grandson so close to them. I'll admit it was very convenient for a lot of reasons, but it was in both a house and a town that I never wanted to settle down in - something else I'd done for my relationship. So when I told my mom where I was looking at houses she was nothing short of devastated, especially since she was probably still healing from the blow of my divorce. And of course I felt bad for upsetting her yet again, but it was another situation that I knew I needed it to change to really get back on my two feet. I wanted to feel like an actual adult for fucks sake, and not someone who always needed to rely on a man in the house or her parents right next door. Plus the schools aren't as good in that town anymore, which was my main reason for moving, and something I needed to highly consider since my son would be starting preschool that fall.
So I moved. And again, not everyone was happy with me. And I dealt with some of the same backlash for a while from a few people, similar to what I went through with my divorce. Not anywhere near as bad, but a couple times I did have to sort of dramatically shut it down with threats like "I'm fucking done with this, you can either help me or leave me alone" type responses because I was just so tired of it. And again, I persisted and I did what was best for myself and my son.
Fast forward six months, and now everyone can see why I wanted to move out here and how amazing it's been for us. I honestly have never felt so at home, so content, and so comfortable in my own skin.
Life is starting to finally make sense again. And going through all the bullshit I had to go through to get here, just to get myself into a better place in my life where I could be a better person and a better mom, was 110% worth it. I have no regrets.
My hopes with this post is to give you the courage to make a change. I pissed a lot of people off, but I was doing what was best for me. And doing what's best for me directly relates to the vibes and examples I set forth for my son. There was no way I could have been a good wife and mother and friend and general human being when I couldn't even really be myself or be happy with who I was as a person and where I was in my life
Do what's best for you and do whatever helps you truly discover yourself. When you can be true to yourself, everything else falls into place.
Cheers,
- The Whiskey Mom
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