Saw this on Instagram last night and it hit me hard.
Read it again.
If you are close with my family then it’s no secret that grudges have been and can be held. There’s always some concern about pissing someone off because you never know if you might get cut off.
Don’t get me wrong, my family is great, but every family has its problems. Sometimes I think my family has more problems than the average family, but hey, at least we keep things exciting, right? And in case you think I’m talking about a certain side of my family or a certain person in particular, don’t worry, I’m not. I’m referring to all of us on every side because honestly we are all a little fucked up.
Anyway, recent events in my life have caused some rather tense relationships with a couple people that seem to get rocky again just when you think it’s finally hitting some flat terrain. So it’s forced me to set boundaries. Not a grudge, a boundary.
Just in case it wasn’t clear, let me say it again. Say it with me if you’d like.
B O U N D A R Y.
A grudge would be like you stole my phone in 9th grade and I’m still mad about it 20 years later. That did actually happen to me in 9th grade (not by a family member, might I add) but I got it back and we both moved on. Was I able to still be in the same room as her? Of course. Did I trust her again after that? Hell no. Or if you went somewhere without me, not realizing I wanted to go, and apologized but went anyway. Me staying mad about it even after you apologized would be me holding a grudge.
You get what I’m saying?
Setting boundaries can easily be confused with holding a grudge, which is what I have been accused of more than once. And it actually really pisses me the fuck off more than I care to admit. I’ve heard time and time again, “so-and-so held this grudge for this long, why are you being like them?”
OH. MY. GOD.
STOP. BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND.
Listen. Just because I refuse to be a doormat and have someone continuously walk all over me doesn’t mean I’m holding a grudge. I’m setting a fucking boundary and letting it be known that I’m done tolerating bullshit. Don’t sit there and tell me I’m holding a grudge just because I won’t let the same shit happen to me over and over. A close friend of mine said to me the other day (about something totally unrelated) that “apology without a change of behavior is manipulation.” I was like yo, can I frame that and hand it out for Christmas?! Or maybe throw it on a business card? Might make a great stocking stuffer.
Kidding, kind of. I’m not that much of an asshole. But I do feel like some people really need to see and understand this message.
Everyone knows the old Fool Me Once saying. So when it gets to a 6th or 7th or even 14th or 15th time, don’t you think maybe I should be allowed to put my foot down? At what point do you just become a doormat? I’ve been so afraid of possibly being considered a grudge holder that I’ve let myself become a doormat. Honestly, shame on me. And shame on other people for telling me that I’m holding a grudge when I can’t force myself to be friendly with the person walking all over me, or pretend like everything is just fucking peachy when clearly it’s not. I don’t have it in my DNA to be fake. I can be civil all day long, but not fake.
Remember my other post about how you’re going to piss a lot of people off when you start doing what’s best for you? This is right up the same alley.
I’m sorry I don’t step down to you. And I’m sorry I don’t let you walk all over me like you do to everyone else. And if you choose to make it seem like I’m less of a person because you think I’m holding a grudge, that’s your opinion and your prerogative and I can’t change that. But I’m here to let you know that I no longer care, because I’m setting my boundary.
Do not be afraid to set boundaries. Other people will be pissed, not because you’re standing up for yourself, but because they can no longer control and manipulate you. Put your foot down and do what's best for you. You deserve better. They can find someone else to treat like shit.
Cheers,
- The Whiskey Mom
I like "...civil all day long, but not fake." I found myself being more and more like that the older I got. I also find myself having to be more and more like that, with more and more people. I think it's wisdom you gain for self preservation.